While death is a normal part of life, understandably many parents and caregivers experience concerns when their children are exposed to loss, particularly when the loss was unexpected or traumatic in nature. Throughout my work with grieving families, I noticed that parents and caregivers often placed a lot of pressure on themselves to do or say the ‘right thing’. When the loss is a family member or friend of the family, this concern is often compounded with the parent/caregiver’s own experiences of grief. It is ok to experience grief as a parent and in fact, noticing when you are struggling and seeking support is essential in supporting the child through their own grief experiences.
Talking to children about death and dying can feel overwhelming and challenging. It is normal to want to protect your child from the reality of what has happened and speaking about the loss with your child may also bring up your own grief experiences which you may wish to avoid. It is however, important to be able to speak with children (including young children) about the loss. It can be helpful to remind yourself that the ‘worst thing’ has already happened, talking about it can’t make it worse however, what it can do is provide the child an opportunity to form a healthy understanding about death and the loss itself.
Grief in children looks different to adults. You are likely to see your child popping in and out of their grief rapidly. This is very normal. Some strategies to build a healthy understanding of the loss for your child and support the grieving process may include:
- Forming an age-appropriate, truthful and clear narrative of circumstances surrounding the death, particularly when it has been a traumatic loss, which you can later build onto as the child ages and asks more questions. Seeking support from a psychologist to build this narrative with your family, while not essential, may be helpful in certain cases.
- Pointing out every-day examples of life and death (i.e., looking at plants or bugs that have died versus those that are alive, and highlighting the differences). This helps to build their understanding of death as a concept.
- Drawing on your familial/cultural beliefs and practices around death and dying can also be protective for your child. This can help them to develop a shared understanding and language around death, build on that age-appropriate narrative and can help minimise potential feelings of isolation.
- Use of repetition. Children will likely repetitively ask when they will see the deceased again. This is ok and normal. A calm repetition of the age-appropriate narrative of the loss, what death is, and that it is permanent in nature may be needed.
- Talking openly about the deceased. This shows the child that talking about the deceased is normal and that they don’t need to worry about upsetting you if they mention the deceased. This also models that they can come to you if they are experiencing challenging emotions associated with the loss.
- Reminding the child that the relationship with the deceased has not ended, but it has changed. While certain aspects of the relationship are no longer possible, the child may wish to continue to talk to the deceased, they will still share things like anniversaries which can be a time for memorial, and they still have their shared memories.
- Creating a memory box with the child to remember the deceased. This helps children build an internal model of their relationship with the deceased despite no longer being able to be with the deceased.
- Validating their emotions and normalising that grief is not linear. Children may appear to have processed the loss and then a reminder of the deceased may arise which may bring back some more challenging emotions. This is to be expected and is ok.
While there is no right way to grieve, if you have concerns that your child’s experiences of grief may be outside of what is to be expected, it may be helpful to reach out to a psychologist with experience in the area.
Helpful Resources
Websites
- Winston’s Wish Website: https://winstonswish.org/ (they have lots of activities, including a memory box, on their website and blog posts to have a read through)
- Griefline: https://griefline.org.au/get-help/support-groups/
- Kidshelpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/
Books
- Corrinne Averiss’ ‘Love’ book
- Joseph Coelho and Allison Colpoys’ “If all the world were…”
- Jo Witek’s “In My Heart: A Book of Feelings”
Videos
- Guardian Lane Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@guardianlane/videos
- Winston’s Wish Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@WinstonsWishCharity/videos
Helplines
- Grief line: 1300 845 745
- Kids helpline: 1800 551 800
